Post by John on Feb 18, 2009 21:04:21 GMT -5
CHEERFUL CHUCKLES
####################
Stealth Tax
#########
A little boy wanted £100 to put towards a new bike, so he could ride to school. Every night he prayed for a week but nothing materialised. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the money.
When the Post Office received the letter addressed to GOD UK, they decided to send it to The Prime Minister..
The Prime Minister was impressed, touched and amused. He instructed his secretary to send the boy a £5 note. The Prime Mkister thought, this would be a lot of money to the lad.
The boy was delighted with the £5 note and wrote a thank you letter to God. It read "Thank you very much for sending the money. However I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through 10 Downing Street. and as usual, they took most of it !"
New Weapon for the troops?
#####################
Scientists at Rolls-Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the window screens of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate frequent incidents of fowls colliding with aircraft. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it out on window screens of their new high speed trains. When the gun was fired, the engineers were shocked as the chicken crashed through the shatter proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls-Royce the disastrous results along with the designs of the window screen and begged the Company for suggestions.
Rolls-Royce replied with a one line memo “Defrost the chicken”.
FROTH FOR THOUGHT
########################
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said “If I had all the beer in the world. I’d take it and pour it into the river. If I had all the wine and whiskey in the world I’d pour it into the river. Sermon finished he sat down., His colleague got up, and with a sly smile declared “Let us sing our closing song, number 891
“Shall we gather at the River, the beautiful the beautiful the river . The beautiful river of God
THE PENALTY OF NOT TAKING HEED!
################################
A priest and a rabbi were fishing in a stream by the side of a road. They made a sign which they held up to every passing car, It read” THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around before it is too late.” One driver yelled “Leave us alone you religious nutters” There was a big splash. One said to the other should we just put “BRIDGE HAS COLLAPSED! ”
QUICKIES
#########
The army officer said to Willie Carson “Carson!” “ I did not see you during the camouflage exercise!” Carson replied “Thank you sir.
A man bought 2 goldfish. The seller asked “What are you going to call them?” “One” and “Two” “Why? Those are strange names for gold fish” “Well if one dies I will still have two left”
An Irish man was walking out with a glove on one hand but not on the other and someone asked him “Why?” He replied “Well the weather forecast said that there might be some sharp cold weather, but on the other hand it might be warm”.
SHOCK THERAPY
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A woman went to the doctor’s surgery and was seen by a new doctor. After four minutes in his room she started screaming and ran out into the corridor.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him what had happened. He calmed her down and marched off to see the young GP. “What’s the matter with you?” he demanded. “Mrs Jones is 72 years old . She has 4 grown up children and 8 grand-children, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued writing his notes and without looking up asked “ Does she still have the hiccups
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
####################
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
“Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman ever since for 51 years.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
IN THE BEGINNING
################
A little girl asked her Mum, “How did the human race appear?” Mum answered “ God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question. He replied “Many years ago their were
monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her Mum and said “How is it possible that you told me the human races was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” Mum replied “Well dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Dad told you about his.
QUICKIES
#########
A Sunday school teacher was endeavouring to instil in her class the difference between right and wrong “Lets take another example “ she explained “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his purse with all his money what would I be?”. A little boy raised his hand “ Please miss, you’d be his wife”
Young Robert was playing in the cupboard under the stairs when he discovered a dust covered Bible. “Mummy, is this God’s book?” he asked. “Yes, dear” she replied. Then he said “Then why don’t we send it back to him? We never use it”
Little boy answered a knock at the door “Mum” he called “It’s the Vicar collecting for the Old Folk’s Home. Should I give him Granddad?”
A Church deacon really enjoyed playing golf. His loyalties were divided when an important tournament was planned for Sunday morning. Phoning the Vicar to apologise for his absence from church he explained “Sorry I can’t make it this morning. I am spending a few hours with some handicapped people”
Blushes from St Opps Church Magazine as reported by a clerical source. .
############################################################
The new pastor of a small country chapel asked his deacons if they would consider installing a chandelier in the chapel. They met and at length discussed the issue. They reported back to him that they had decided against for 3 reasons
1,The Secretary didn’t know how to spell it in the Minutes. 2 If they bought one they had no one who could play it
3 They thought that the money could be better used improving the lighting in the church
Question from Ireland How do you make holy water? Answer Boil the hell out of it
A sister was teaching her class in a Catholic school where the priest came regularly to lead assembly. One day he asked the children “Now who can tell me what you have to do to get to Heaven?”. One little boy at once put his hand up and said “Die Sir!”
Some howlers from a school test on the Bible.
###################################
In the first book of the Bible (Guinness’s) God got tired of creating the world and took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread ( which is bread without any ingredients).
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, after which Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple”.
Little boy at prayer Dear God, If you are having a hard job making be a better boy than I am, don’t worry about it as I am happy just as I am.”
BORING GOD
###########
some people pray the same prayers today that they prayed as kids. God likes us to share the everyday things with Him. He appreciates our “Thank You” for recent things we have received from him. At a certain regular prayer meeting old Bill prayed out loud every week “LORD, sweep the cobwebs from our hearts” but one week a young man at the back stood up and prayed “Lord kill the spider”.
It was meal time during a flight. The flight attendant asked a passenger “Would you like dinner?” The passenger asked “What are my choices?”. The attendant replied “YES” or “NO” .
Aboard the Ark, Noah was just closing the doors and a lion said “Wait, you need a couple more gazelles”
####################
Stealth Tax
#########
A little boy wanted £100 to put towards a new bike, so he could ride to school. Every night he prayed for a week but nothing materialised. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the money.
When the Post Office received the letter addressed to GOD UK, they decided to send it to The Prime Minister..
The Prime Minister was impressed, touched and amused. He instructed his secretary to send the boy a £5 note. The Prime Mkister thought, this would be a lot of money to the lad.
The boy was delighted with the £5 note and wrote a thank you letter to God. It read "Thank you very much for sending the money. However I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through 10 Downing Street. and as usual, they took most of it !"
New Weapon for the troops?
#####################
Scientists at Rolls-Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the window screens of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate frequent incidents of fowls colliding with aircraft. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it out on window screens of their new high speed trains. When the gun was fired, the engineers were shocked as the chicken crashed through the shatter proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls-Royce the disastrous results along with the designs of the window screen and begged the Company for suggestions.
Rolls-Royce replied with a one line memo “Defrost the chicken”.
FROTH FOR THOUGHT
########################
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said “If I had all the beer in the world. I’d take it and pour it into the river. If I had all the wine and whiskey in the world I’d pour it into the river. Sermon finished he sat down., His colleague got up, and with a sly smile declared “Let us sing our closing song, number 891
“Shall we gather at the River, the beautiful the beautiful the river . The beautiful river of God
THE PENALTY OF NOT TAKING HEED!
################################
A priest and a rabbi were fishing in a stream by the side of a road. They made a sign which they held up to every passing car, It read” THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around before it is too late.” One driver yelled “Leave us alone you religious nutters” There was a big splash. One said to the other should we just put “BRIDGE HAS COLLAPSED! ”
QUICKIES
#########
The army officer said to Willie Carson “Carson!” “ I did not see you during the camouflage exercise!” Carson replied “Thank you sir.
A man bought 2 goldfish. The seller asked “What are you going to call them?” “One” and “Two” “Why? Those are strange names for gold fish” “Well if one dies I will still have two left”
An Irish man was walking out with a glove on one hand but not on the other and someone asked him “Why?” He replied “Well the weather forecast said that there might be some sharp cold weather, but on the other hand it might be warm”.
SHOCK THERAPY
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A woman went to the doctor’s surgery and was seen by a new doctor. After four minutes in his room she started screaming and ran out into the corridor.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him what had happened. He calmed her down and marched off to see the young GP. “What’s the matter with you?” he demanded. “Mrs Jones is 72 years old . She has 4 grown up children and 8 grand-children, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued writing his notes and without looking up asked “ Does she still have the hiccups
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
####################
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
“Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman ever since for 51 years.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
IN THE BEGINNING
################
A little girl asked her Mum, “How did the human race appear?” Mum answered “ God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question. He replied “Many years ago their were
monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her Mum and said “How is it possible that you told me the human races was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” Mum replied “Well dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Dad told you about his.
QUICKIES
#########
A Sunday school teacher was endeavouring to instil in her class the difference between right and wrong “Lets take another example “ she explained “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his purse with all his money what would I be?”. A little boy raised his hand “ Please miss, you’d be his wife”
Young Robert was playing in the cupboard under the stairs when he discovered a dust covered Bible. “Mummy, is this God’s book?” he asked. “Yes, dear” she replied. Then he said “Then why don’t we send it back to him? We never use it”
Little boy answered a knock at the door “Mum” he called “It’s the Vicar collecting for the Old Folk’s Home. Should I give him Granddad?”
A Church deacon really enjoyed playing golf. His loyalties were divided when an important tournament was planned for Sunday morning. Phoning the Vicar to apologise for his absence from church he explained “Sorry I can’t make it this morning. I am spending a few hours with some handicapped people”
Blushes from St Opps Church Magazine as reported by a clerical source. .
############################################################
The new pastor of a small country chapel asked his deacons if they would consider installing a chandelier in the chapel. They met and at length discussed the issue. They reported back to him that they had decided against for 3 reasons
1,The Secretary didn’t know how to spell it in the Minutes. 2 If they bought one they had no one who could play it
3 They thought that the money could be better used improving the lighting in the church
Question from Ireland How do you make holy water? Answer Boil the hell out of it
A sister was teaching her class in a Catholic school where the priest came regularly to lead assembly. One day he asked the children “Now who can tell me what you have to do to get to Heaven?”. One little boy at once put his hand up and said “Die Sir!”
Some howlers from a school test on the Bible.
###################################
In the first book of the Bible (Guinness’s) God got tired of creating the world and took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread ( which is bread without any ingredients).
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, after which Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple”.
Little boy at prayer Dear God, If you are having a hard job making be a better boy than I am, don’t worry about it as I am happy just as I am.”
BORING GOD
###########
some people pray the same prayers today that they prayed as kids. God likes us to share the everyday things with Him. He appreciates our “Thank You” for recent things we have received from him. At a certain regular prayer meeting old Bill prayed out loud every week “LORD, sweep the cobwebs from our hearts” but one week a young man at the back stood up and prayed “Lord kill the spider”.
It was meal time during a flight. The flight attendant asked a passenger “Would you like dinner?” The passenger asked “What are my choices?”. The attendant replied “YES” or “NO” .
Aboard the Ark, Noah was just closing the doors and a lion said “Wait, you need a couple more gazelles”